From the Service:
Safe & Loved Schools

I was working in a school one day and stopped to listen to a guest speaker.

He was impossible to miss.
Private security. Assistants hovering, feeding him information and executing requests. 

We met briefly and talked about what we were each doing.
I was there addressing ongoing student-on-student violence. He was there to lead a small discussion with about ten students who had volunteered to talk to him about youth issues. 

He was kind, smart, and generous with his time but he clashed badly with the building. Nearly 60% of the students were truant that day. Looking at him and knowing the school, it felt like a collision between extreme success and deep failure. 

When we parted, we wished each other luck.
At the same time, he reached up and loosened his tie, taking it off. 

Seeing the confusion on my face, he said, “It helps to take your tie off.” 

“What do you mean?” I asked. 

“To connect with the kids,” he said. “It makes you more accessible.” 

I didn’t argue with him and I don’t fault him for trying. He was sincere, caring, and obviously a successful person. 

But in this instance, he missed the mark. 

Connection doesn’t come from what you wear. 

I’ve seen teachers in jeans who have never connected with students and administrators in suits who students would follow anywhere. 

Think about the people you feel most connected with. It’s not because of what they wear but how they act. Chances are they listen, care, and show up when you need them. 

The same thing goes for kids. 

Students connect to adults who help them.
Who protect them.
Who step in when things are hard instead of stepping back.
They connect with adults who give their time, their attention, and sometimes their comfort. 

The speaker didn’t get it wrong because he took off his tie. He got it wrong because he believed connection could be achieved through a one-sided, low-cost behavior like taking a tie off. 

It’s not that easy.
I wish it was but it’s not. 

And trust me, I’m not wagging my finger at him.
He showed up, gave it his all, and tried to help.
That’s more than most people. I have nothing but respect for him. 

I’m just using this moment to remind leaders that connection isn’t about appearance. It’s an exchange. One person gives time, effort, understanding, and care. The other responds with trust and openness. 

From time to time, the roles reverse and when that happens, both lives are made better and safer because the two people have formed a connection. 

Connections include an agreement of protection. 

I’ll watch your back and you watch mine.
If you need help, I’ll help you, and vice versa. 

Protection is inherent in connections. 

Like happiness in a good cup of coffee. It’s just there and will always be there. And that’s why it matters so much in school safety. 

The stronger your connections the better your protection.